


I'd rather have you, angel or not

by AliNovak



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Drinking, Drunkenness, Fluff, Human Castiel, Hunter Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 17:57:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11236236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliNovak/pseuds/AliNovak
Summary: Jack brings Cas back. The thing is; Cas hates being human.





	I'd rather have you, angel or not

Jack brings Cas back. The thing is, he brings him back human. His powers were not so strong at the time and the Winchesters were desperate. Dean wanted him back no matter what. He knew there would be consequences but he didn’t care. He needed him back. He was broken and lost without Cas and he didn’t mind if he wasn’t an angel anymore. Although, now, several months later, Cas hates being human. He hated it the first time and his feelings haven’t changed. He’s not homeless, of course. Sam and Dean wouldn’t let that happen again but humanity hits him harder this time. The first weeks were the worst. He was damaged, mentally damaged. The brothers were terrified when he wouldn’t come out of his room, when he would spend hours in the shower, when he wouldn’t eat properly, there were times when he wouldn’t even talk. He would just wander around the bunker like a ghost. He needed some sleep but he just couldn’t get himself to do it and that and his other bad habits started to slowly reflect on his health. He was so wrecked and it seemed like there was nothing to do about it. Something occurred to Dean and it was that maybe the fact that a Nephilim was the thing that brought him back in the first place wasn’t the best scenario, but he couldn’t have lived without Cas, no matter how broken he would be. It’s funny and fucked up at the same time. The first times Cas died Dean wouldn’t have cared much. But now, he just can’t live without him anymore.

The weeks pass. The boys have a long, deep talk with him some afternoon and it seems to do the trick, even though he just stares at the wall like it’s the most interesting thing he has ever laid eyes on. He starts to eat like a living being. The fact that Dean cooks everything he knows Cas loves has nothing to do about it. Obviously not. He also starts to sleep a little bit more. Not like Dean would wanted but his chest fills with happiness some night when he peeks through the small space Cas left open of the door of his room and sees him genuinely asleep. And when he starts chatting idly about some random subject, well, the boys couldn’t be happier.

Time passes and the hunting craving begins to grow into them. They find a case quickly and they’re back on the road. Cas doesn’t come, of course. He’s not ready, not yet at least. A routine gradually crawls its way into their lives. It seems like everything is finally going to be fine but Cas is not into it. He’s not accustomed to it and the truth is that he never will. He had never spent so much time in one place and he starts to feel trapped. He pleads them to take him to a hunt but they can’t take a risk like that. After all, he’s human and even though he damn well knows how to fight and shoot a gun and burn a body and all that stuff, Sam and Dean wouldn’t give him the green light. He feels useless and his vessel starts to betray him. After a few months he startled discovers that he has gained some weight, nothing worryingly, just a few pounds but he’s not used to it. Dean tells him that is something perfectly normal, that he inhabits the body of a middle-aged man, that it was just about to happen. But he’s no longer just inhabiting Jimmy Novak’s body. He _is_ this body. Yeah, he still has the knowledge and memories of millennials of years but he’s human now and this time he knows he’s gonna stay like one. He’s gonna die like one. This time for good. And when his right knee starts to hurt when he goes upstairs he’s done. He’s sick and tired and he tells the boys that he’s gonna go hunting with them, rather they want it or not. They have an argument which is mostly Dean and Cas yelling at each other while Sam stares at them in the background with a frown on his face. Cas wins just because Sam agrees that neither him nor Dean can tell him what to or not do. Dean agrees reluctantly not without before warning Cas that he needs to get the anti-possession tattoo and that he’s not taking him on a hunt if he doesn’t have it. With Crowley dead and God-knows-who running hell they can’t take a risk such as Castiel being possessed. They just can’t. He has lots of information about angels and heaven that any demon would sell to the new sheriff in town in a heartbeat. Cas agrees and the very next day they’re at a tattoo parlor. This one hurts a lot more than the Enochian sigils he has on his abdomen just because this one touches a few bones of his spine. He got it between his shoulder blades and even though it hurts like hell he’s already thinking about a much larger tattoo to accompany his new one. It’s funny. _All of that thorny pain. So beautiful._ He smiles to himself and winces immediately at some soft spot the needle just touched. After him, Sam sits in the chair to get his tattoo back. It’s been years since Cas erased it from his chest and Sam wants it back. He says it’s because he’s wanna be protected against demons but Cas knows it’s because he doesn’t wanna be the only one member of Team Free Will that doesn’t have it. Tattoos done and guns loaded and they are ready to hunt. Cas is rusty after many months of just doing research at the bunker but he catches up quickly. He finds out how much he missed the action and he doesn’t feel useless like he felt when Sam and Dean were in prison and he couldn’t find them. The Winchesters are the best teachers in the hunting subject anyone could get and Cas is happy to have them. After a lot of time since Jack brought him back he’s pretty much alright. Although he uses hunting as a way out to keep himself distracted from the fact that he’s not an angel anymore. He tries not to think about it but the truth is that he misses it. Even when his wings were broken he still had them. Now he has nothing. Just the memories of what he once was. He tries to keep his head above the water. Stopping to consider the good things he has in his life. A life that has an expiration date. Not like his angel life didn’t have it. See how that turned out.

 

They’re hunting a pack of werewolves, it sounds like an easy case but the pack is huge. Although Cas is a good hunter, not like Sam and Dean but he defends himself, he’s a little bit slow this time and in the middle of the mess he gets stabbed with the same silver knife he was supposed to kill the guy that stabs him. He groans at the pain and a second later a gunshot leaves him deaf for a couple of seconds and the werewolf falls dead before him. Dean runs to catch Cas, gun still in his hands while Sam shoots at the last couple of werewolves at the other end of the room.

“Hey! Hey, hey, hey.” Dean says manhandling Cas. “Let me see.”

Cas grunts and sits on the floor with Dean’s help. He weakly pulls up his shirt to reveal a bloody wound right below the Enochian tattoo.

“Shit.” Dean’s expression softens once he sees Cas staring at him. “You’re ok. You’re gonna be okay, Cas.”

 _Bullshit_. Cas thinks, but he’s in too much pain to say it out loud.

“Sammy!” Dean yells and Sam runs toward them.

“Shit.” He says.

“Shut up and find me something to patch him up, dammit!” He shouts angrily.

Cas feels like he might pass out. Pain is so much worse now that he’s human.

“Hey!” He hears Dean yelling. “Don’t pass out, you hear me? Eyes on me.” He copes Cas’ cheek to look at him in the eyes. Cas takes a deep breath that hurts like hell but he doesn’t let himself pass out. Sam brings some bandages from who-knows-where and Dean covers Cas’ wound very carefully with them. He needs stitches but this will help to stop the bleeding at least just a little until they get to their motel room. The werewolves are dead and Dean and Cas leave Sam to get rid of the bodies by himself. Cas doesn’t want them to leave him alone in that creepy old house but Sam and Dean insist that he needs to get the wound sewed up as soon as possible. The ride to the motel isn’t long but Dean accelerates a bit more every time Cas groans. They burst into the room, Cas’ left arm on Dean’s shoulders. He sits him gently in the bed that’s closer to the door. Cas lifts the hem of his shirt and Dean takes off the bloody bandages. Cas grunts and bites his lower lip and tries to catch up his breathing.

“Alright.” Dean seems more relaxed than the first time he saw the wound. “It’s not so deep but you still need stitches.” He smiles softly and touches Cas’ jaw. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Cas groans again but this time is not because of the pain. “If you say that again I will punch you in the face.” He says breathless.

Dean chuckles. “That’s the spirit.” He walks to the mini bar and pulls out many little bottles. He hands them to Cas, “Here,” he says, “Your painkillers.” He goes to the bathroom to wash his hands then grabs his bag and pulls out everything he needs to do the stitches. And once he disinfects the needle he’s ready. He walks toward Cas who just finished a second bottle of what looks and smells like Scotch. Dean knees in front of him. “This is gonna hurt like a son of a bitch.” He warns. “But it’ll be over soon.” Before Cas can say something he’s muted by the sharp sting the needle causes when it penetrates his flesh. His nails pressing at his palm almost make him bleed and he unscrews a third bottle. He drinks fast, not minding the burning feeling that goes from his throat to his gut at all. He stares at Dean for a moment, he looks so focused on what he’s doing and whispers encouraging things to him.

“You’re a tough guy, Cas. You got this.” Cas’ groans become whimpers once the booze and the loss of blood start to doze him off. “You’re doing very well for a not-so-newly human.” Cas chuckles which causes the wound to start bleeding again. “Don’t do that! I’m not done yet!” Dean shouts.

“Yeah. I bet I’m doing amazingly.” Cas’ sassy tone doesn’t hide the fact that he’s slurring. Dean frowns and lifts his head to look properly at Cas. His expression softens once he understands what’s happening.

“I forgot how little your alcohol tolerance can be.” He shakes his head and quickly continues his work. “I’m almost done. I had to do it in crosses but I’m almost done.” He inserts the needle again and Cas winces.

“Why, Dean?” He asks. His voice just a soft whisper.

“Because you don’t want it to open up again.” Dean offers him a tender smile.

“No, Dean. I mean,” He breathes in. “Why did you have to bring me back as a human?”

Dean raises his head at Cas’ weak voice, his eyes are lost at the funny wallpaper and Dean tries to deal with this with fun. “What do you mean? Jack brought you back not me, I don’t have the power to do that, jeez.” He finishes the stitches and grabs one of the bottles unscrewing its cap.

“But you asked him to do it.” Cas raises his tone. “Even when you knew there would be consequences-“

Dean cuts him off pouring out vodka on Cas’ now stitched wound without warning him and Cas hisses and shuts his eyes. “We’ve discussed it before, Cas. I don’t wanna talk about it. Let’s change the subject, alright?” He stands up and looks at him expectantly. “How you feelin’?” But Cas doesn’t answer, he stares at the wound like he’s waiting for it to stop hurting. He gives up eventually and pulls down the hem of his bloody shirt. He’s too tired to change his clothes. He opens a fourth bottle and drinks slower this time enjoying his light-headed state. Dean goes out of the room to call Sam and hear that he’s alright. He took care of the bodies and he’s on his way to the motel. When Dean comes back into the room he finds Cas exactly in the same position he left him.

“Cas, buddy, you should sleep a little.” He says as he approaches to him. “You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

“You know,” Cas says without even looking at him. “Nobody ever asked me if I wanted to come back.” He pauses, his gaze lost in the floor. “Of all the times I’ve died and all the times I’ve come back nobody ever asked me if I was okay with it. Not God nor Naomi nor you.”

Dean swallows while he knees in front of him again to see how Cas’ wound is doing.

“I’m so tired, Dean.” He rasps. “Have it ever occurred to you that I didn’t want to come back?” Dean pinches his thigh very hard and he cries out forgetting the pain on his abdomen just for one tiny little second. “Ow!”

“Alright,” Dean starts as he stands up. “Cut the shit already, will you?” He swallows again and stares at Cas. “I know being human sucks for you but you have to stop.” His voice rises as he speaks. “What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry? That I wouldn’t ask Jack to bring you back if I knew how shitty you were going to feel? Well, I’m sorry, okay Cas? That’s what you wanted to hear? I’m so fucking sorry for everything.” He takes a deep breath and continues before Cas can say anything. “Do you think it’s not hard for me to watch you in that state? The first months after you were back I was so scared when you wouldn’t talk, I even thought that you were going to die from starvation just because your fucking highness didn’t want to eat.” Cas opens his mouth but Dean shoves a hand in front of his face. “No, no, no. _I’m_ talking. _You_ shut it!” He breathes in through his mouth but the knot in his throat doesn’t let the air pass properly. “I’m sorry.” His voice drops and he runs both hands through his face covering his eyes, then he sits next to Cas and without looking him in the eyes he goes on. “I know you’re tired and I know you fucking hate being human.” He sighs. _Fucking knot in my throat_ , he thinks. “And you’re right.” He snorts and shakes his head. “Nobody ever asked you if this was what you wanted and I know it’s not.” He sighs again. _Fuck._ “I realize how fucked up this must be for you. Being killed and being brought back over and over and over again.” He pauses. “Of course you’re tired.” He remains silent for a few seconds. “And I’m sorry that you have to be human now and I know that sucks, you’re getting old just like the rest of us and it sucks, man! It fucking sucks.” He stops. Cas thinks it’s the end of it but it’s not. “I’m sorry that you have to live this life. I’m sorry that you’re stuck with me-“ He closes his eyes instantly. “Us.” He corrects himself. “Dammit.” He chuckles sadly. “I’m sorry for a lot of things, Cas but I’m not sorry for asking Jack to bring you back. If we were in the same fucked up situation I’d do it again because having you human is one fucking million times better than not having you.” Finally, the knot in his throat breaks his voice and tears quickly fill his eyes. Cas is staring at him speechless, and like everything Dean just said have left him breathless he’s gasping for air.

“I’m sorry for loving you too much.” Dean says tired and a couple of tears fall from his eyes. He smiles sadly as he wipes them off with the back of his hand.

Cas’ heart aches at Dean’s words and he lets out a breathless sob exclaiming; “Dean!” before grabbing Dean’s face with both hands and planting a kiss on his lips. If he was sober he would have never done it but he’s not and the fact that Dean is kissing him back makes him drunker and he knows there is no going back. His heart beats so fast he thinks it’s gonna come out of his chest at any moment. He’s sweating like it’s two hundred degrees. He has tears running down his cheeks and he doesn’t know if they are his or Dean’s but he doesn’t care. He’s kissing Dean and Dean is kissing him and he’s experiencing all this marvelous feelings for the first time in his very long life and he stops to consider that humanity never felt so good. He doesn’t realize for how long they kiss until they’re gasping for air but their noses are still half an inch apart, they’re chuckling against each other touching their lips and wiping off the tears from their cheeks.

“I love you.” Dean tells him. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He takes a deep breath. “Geez! I love you!” Cas’ eyes threatens with bringing more tears so he cuts Dean off with a peck on his lips.

“And I love you.” He says caressing Dean’s neck. “And I’m sorry.” Dean frowns at that. “I didn’t want to make you feel so bad.”

Dean smiles. “It’s okay.” He stares at Cas’ eyes, then at his lips then at his eyes and then at his lips again. “I hope you know that I’m not gonna be able to stop kissing you from now on.”

Cas’ answer reduces to smash their lips together not so gently this time just because they have waited for this for a long time. Cas puts his hands in the back of Dean’s neck and Dean starts to slowly push him down on the bed being extra careful with Cas’ wound but before they could get any further they’re interrupted by a cough and they pull away quickly just to see Sam raising a brow and grinning at them. They didn't even hear the door opening.

“Pretty nice timing, Sammy!” Dean yells angrily but he’s not really mad.

Sam chuckles. “You finally have your shit together, huh?”

“We’re-“ Cas pauses. “working on it.” His voice sounds funny and Sam frowns at him. Cas has the biggest and stupidest smile on his face and his eyes are half-closed.

“Are you drunk?” Sam asks amused.

Dean opens his mouth but Cas answers before him. “A little bit.” He raises his right hand and leaves a gap between his thumb and his pointing finger just to represent the concept of “a little bit”. Sam laughs weakly and walks toward them.

“I’m happy for you, guys. I really am.” He smiles genuinely.

“Thank you.” Says Cas at the same time Dean mumbles; “Shut up.” blushing lightly. Sam chuckles again and goes to grab his bag.

“I’m gonna take a really long shower.” He tells them before going into the bathroom. “You better have clothes on you when I come out.” Dean shakes his head and Cas laughs quietly but is quickly interrupted by Dean kissing his neck.

“Seriously,” He says between kisses. “I’m not gonna be able to keep my lips off of you.”

Cas squirms into Dean’s arms but they don’t do anything but make out. They are tired and Cas is hurt and drunk so they just kiss for several minutes. After that Dean helps Cas to take his bloody clothes off. He cleans him up with a wet shirt and puts him into bed. He does the same to himself and when Sam comes out of the shower he finds them deeply asleep. Cas’ head is resting on Dean’s chest while he hugs absently at his middle and Dean’s arm rests on Cas’ back. Sam stares at them for a minute wondering why it took them so long.


End file.
